We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
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