The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
