We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
