A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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