took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Randomize
