you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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