You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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