flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
