having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
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