I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
