I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
