If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
