you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
