i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
