i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Randomize
