I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
