Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
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