You just made me feel so damn special
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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