I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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