You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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