weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
