Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
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