you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
