Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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