the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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