They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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