listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
