11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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