sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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