I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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