Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Randomize
