I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
