I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
