drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
