YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
