someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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