yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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