He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
