I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
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