Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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