Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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