honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I look better un-naked...
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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