I faked an abortion last night.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
