Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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