I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Come on in and take your pants off
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