just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
