i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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