Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
