Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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