The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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