Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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