No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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