I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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