in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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