Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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