we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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