Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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