I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
you had me at cake vodka
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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