dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
